Echidna Touchstone's Pamphlet of Impractical Cats
by Warner Hedgehog
Summary: Based on TS Eliot's famous work, this will tell of some of his characters as well as a few new ones based on the cats that live around here. Winning Twins could be titled better. Points will be awarded to whoever suggests something suitable. Something involving Pouncival is being concocted.
1. Fumbletips the Wuss Cat

Fumbletips the wuss cat

On the shed lying flat

Soaks the sun throughout the day

Sees a human and runs away

* * *

Likes to hide out of sight

Sooner run than try and fight

Small and grey and not too shabby

Stripey shiny little tabby

* * *

Kitty treats tempt him near

Overcome his kitty fear

He doesn't hang around for long

A scary sound and he's gone

* * *

Mice cause him no problem

Fumbletips will hunt them

If he sees things much bigger

You'll see his retreating figure

* * *

A cat so timid you can't pet

Of that fact you can't forget

Your puss cat's a wussy cat

And I'll leave this kitty cat at that


	2. The Wise One

Old Deuteronomy, a cat long since gone

Was missed by many, respected by all

Even Macavity grudgingly says

Old Deuteronomy was one of the best

* * *

A cat that has won that much praise

Was on top of his game for most of his days

And if a villain will admit to that

Then we are dealing with one hell of a cat

* * *

He may have been old, he may have been slow

But old Deuteronomy was a cat in the know

We know he was wise, we know he was smart

He turned felinity into an art

* * *

And now Deuteronomy, a Jellicle king

Has blown away on a Jellicle wind

The baton of leadership now it has passed

To another wise cat in the Jellicle cast

* * *

Whoever it is will be well loved

By all of the cats in whom he trusts

But the new leader must do what is fair

And decide who will go to the Heaviside Layer


	3. Piglet Cat

Piglet cat, his head you pat

Where he strays, not far away

Food is near, have no fear

He will come, back for some

* * *

Piglet cat, you're not fat

Nicely plump, not some lump

Who says you cannot move

You still hunt, twice not once.

* * *

Gently doze, outstretched toes

Looking stunned in the sun

Cooking slow till time to go

On his beat, food to eat

* * *

Piglet cat, on his back

On his own, in the zone

Belly scritch may make him shift

Until then, turn again

* * *

Soon enough he gets up

On the fly, new place to lie

Oh hang on, something's wrong

Feet are fleet, it's time to eat.


	4. Villainous Intent

Macavity slinks low, his nose kept to the ground

Catnip is always available whenever he's around

It cannot be legal

It cannot be right

That does not matter to Macavity tonight

* * *

His mission very simple, his night is neatly planned

You may think that he's doing something underhand

Before you can think once

His wicked plan is done

He's sown fear in the heart of the Jellicle gang for fun

* * *

Macavity so dark and sly, of the light he is shy

With a secret purpose he gently creeps on by

Silent as the night

And Ready to fight

With velvet paws he sneaks without having to try

* * *

When the job is done, into the night he goes

After giving the Jellicles a bucketful of woes

His work tonight is finished

His chosen task is done

He'll now wait for another night to do another one


	5. The Ballad of Atlanticade

Atlanticade she looks her best

She thinks she's prettier than the rest

No idle boast, no thoughtless jest

* * *

Her lovely fur is neatly coiffed

She'll never roam some dusty loft

Just keeps herself clean and soft

* * *

On a window sill, looking out

A feline stare, a kitty pout

She mews gently, she never shouts

* * *

Tread so gentle, grace and poise

Purr so classy, no wasted noise

Those horrid alley cats, she always avoids

* * *

In her little world she looks tops

Prettier than those Pollicle dogs

Infinitely superior to mice and to frogs

* * *

Atlanticade just seems aloof

But it's a look to hide the truth

She's merely groomed and very cute


	6. Winning Twins

Coricopat and Tantomile

Been together quite a while

Known each other all their lives

They can read each other's minds

Cloudy tabbies full of grace

Yet crossing them is a mistake

But crossing them once was a cat

(More a feline sewer rat)

* * *

When they aided wizard John

A mission they were both sent on

Go retrieve a priceless thing

A mystic cup that's made of tin

To aid them on this dangerous task

A Bengal known as Mintoflask

They thought he was a fellow fine

But betrayal was on Minto's mind

* * *

Minto knew the artifact

Was worth a lot to the right cat

And if anyone got in his way

They'd never see the light of day

Wait he would till time was right

And steal it in the dead of night

Let the siblings do their work

Then pinch it like an evil jerk

* * *

The object was in a dark place

In a castle, in a case

Guarded by some demon dogs

(Nasty brutes with teeth like logs)

But Tantomile and Coricopat

Were magic feline acrobats

Who used their practiced magic powers

To replace it with a vase of flowers

* * *

 _The following night they got a fright_

 _Mintoflask made his move at last_

 _To Tantomile he was quite vile_

 _And hit her head to leave her dead_

 _But Coricopat moved too fast_

 _And Minto's plan went down the pan_

* * *

Coricopat used his magic

So Tanto's fate it was not tragic

Mintoflask's plan had failed

He never got that mystic grail

His fateful fight with Coricopat

Left him beaten, lying flat

His encounter was such that

He vowed to never be as bad

* * *

As for our two jellicle heroes

They left Minko as a zero

Their job they had to carry on

And get back to wizard John

The magic cup they'll return

And get what they've earned

He'll soon praise those magic cats

Tantomile and Coricopat


	7. Pollicle Problems

The Jellicle boys are uneasy, Jellicle girls beware

Pollicle dogs are on the prowl, there's danger in the air

Pollicle leaders are angry, Macavity's been on their case

Causing chaos under their nose, And they want him out of their face

* * *

What has Macavity done?

Inciting riots for fun?

Where on earth has he been?

In the pollicle canteen!

The goal of this criminal dude

Was probably pollicle food

Now they want to get us back

For this wanton and dangerous cat

* * *

Now he's had it away, Vanished into the night

The pollicles now look our way, Revenge is on their minds

Barks and growls they make, Snarls and vicious sounds

They are on a kitty hunt, Noses to the ground

* * *

What on earth do we do?

It's all cause of you-know-who

The last thing we want is a fight

We don't want to test out their bite

We'll have to stay out of their way

And fight another day

But we'll keep our claws sharp

If a battle is on the cards

* * *

If Rumpus Cat were here, we'd stand a better chance

In this our luck is out, and we need better plans

We'll use Mistoffelees' magic, disappear into the air

Like ghosts we'll away into the night, the Pollicles we'll scare.

* * *

The battle has come to naught

No way would we get caught

The Pollicle menace has gone

To undo what Macavity's done

Now we must regroup

As a united Jellicle troupe

For the day soon starts anew

And there's important sleeping to do.


	8. The Cat of the Waterways

If you think about canals or rivers you can sail

To a cat on board a boat, they must seem like a jail

If you consider waves and wakes, and how a boat will rock

You would think a cat would run as soon as you hit the docks

* * *

But the cat I have in mind isn't going to run away

Life on board is very good and there he wants to stay

On the roof and in the sun he can oft be found

He's not one for climbing trees or scurrying around

* * *

Bruff the Boat, he stays on Deck,

Keeping his humans in check

As they go down waterways

Pubbing at the end of day

Bruff he stays aboard the ship

Keeping stern watch over it

When they return to their nest

That's when Bruff the Boat can rest

* * *

The ship that Bruff the Boat calls home, his floating domicile

Is called The Queen of All Canals and cost a pretty pile

He prowls the decks and kitchenette, keeping watch for little pests

He does so well that 'Bruff' is written on his own life vest.

* * *

Bruff the Boat he watches fish, and birds as they whizz past

Sometimes he tries to capture them but they're much too fast

Once he tried to stalk a heron as it stood upon the bow

But when he saw the size of it, just gave it a miaow

* * *

Bruff in short is a busy cat

Always knows what he's at

Security upon the barge

Is his job by and large

He keeps it free of mice and birds

A solemn task he never shirks

This feline knows where he wants to stay

For he's the cat of the waterways.


	9. The Music Kitty

If you want a beat, Bill Bailey is the one

He'll sit on top of a litter bin and use it as a drum

If you'd like a tune, something more melodic

He'll use anything he can to make something quite symphonic

* * *

For Bill is quite unique, in this Jellicle troupe

He can turn quite raucous cats into a honed barbershop group

But in looks he's not alone, another cat looks like him

Tumblebrutus is the one who's almost his kitty twin

* * *

Patched with reddish brown, over grubby white

Both quite acrobatic, on their feet quite light

Together they will roam, using their similar looks

To confuse the locals and tourists into dropping edible goods

* * *

When people see them, they often stop and stare

As they've never seen such a neatly matched pair

Bill and Tumblebrutus enjoy their little games

As they stalk the back streets and London's little lanes

* * *

But when he's on his own, Bill listens for a tune

Which is why he likes to hang around a pub or a saloon

He loves to hear a Jukebox, or a rocking band

Even a karaoke night if that is what's to hand

* * *

But his latest little project, a simple, modest plan

Involves all the kitties, the entire Jellicle gang

He's planned a grand performance, a glittery kind of ball

The Regal Jellicle Choir at The Royal Albert Hall

* * *

The operation's simple, a nifty work of art

And every choir member really knows their part

Bill would tell you more, but now he has to run

There's a choir to be organised and it's very nearly done.


	10. The Georgian Cat

I will tell you all a tale, a Jellicle of old

A cat of highest bravery, a feline very bold

Times I have to say were tough, times were very hard

War had set about the land, troubles wide and far

* * *

In the days of mad King George there was a plague of rats

They got into everything, even cider vats

A threat they were to house and home, to wheat and barley crops

The matter went to Parliament, to the very top

* * *

A mouser of the highest grade, a cat of utmost skill

Was needed to sort the problem rats, to go out and kill

Trixenstaff was drafted in, to fight the vermin foe

Her class were sharp, senses tuned, she was good to go

* * *

Trixie started right away, prowling through the barns

Hunting down the rats and mice as they plagued the farms

She creapt around the corn fields, chasing down her prey

Stopping any rodent that got in her way

* * *

But the rodents had a hero, a champion named Flix

A giant rat whose aim in life was to give Trixie a kick

This ogre was enormous, a monster among rats

A vicious demonic character who'd seen off many cats

* * *

His class were long and pointy, his tail just like a whip

His teeth a pair of razor blades that would do more than nip

A showdown was arranged, a reckoning was in place

Trixenstaff and Flix would meet, they'd meet face to face

* * *

If Trixie was to win, the rats would calmly go

And if Flix would win the fight, well you don't want to know

The battleground was ready, the warriors were poised

Spectators watched anxiously and made a lot of noise

* * *

Flix moved first: he'd done research

On Trixie's ways for this day

If Trixie won, he'd be done

But or Trix, moved too quick

Dodged his jaws and his claws

She'd learned too, Flix she knew

He'd strike fast, so for her to last

Smart she'd be and claim victory

* * *

The battle raged, they traded blows, both sides looking good

Flix and Trixie fought their best, doing all they could

Finally Trixenstaff caught a lucky break

Flix tripped over his own tail, a bad mistake to make

* * *

Trixenstaff saw her chance and pounced upon her foe

Flix was in a tangle, with no place to go

Trixie knew she had no choice, she could not be slow

And with super feline effort, dealt the final blow

* * *

The rats accepted their defeat and with the mice they left

Promising never to return, they'd been beaten by the best

They were good to their word and never once returned

The crisis was averted, the invasion had been burned

* * *

Trixenstaff was taken to London to King George

She was given Royal treatment, a complete London tour

George conferred on Trixenstaff the title of Grand Dame

And a diamond studded collar emblazoned with her name

* * *

Songs and stories were composed about her noble task

Or how she helped King and country beat a rodent army vast

So now we celebrate a cat, a legend and a half

The saviour of Georgian times, the great Trixenstaff


	11. Jemima awaits

Jemima lurks, Jemima Waits

Soon the people will finish their plates

Jemima's smart, appears to nap

Jemima will finish on the diner's scraps

* * *

She likes to be by cafe doors

See what people will drop on the floor

But if dropped food she cannot win

She'll have to dig around inside the bins

* * *

This Jemima does not like

It goes against her Jellicle pride

She doesn't care to hunt through trash

Just to find some manky snacks

* * *

She'd sooner be at the Ritz

Taking rather dainty sips

From a classic cocktail glass

You don't drink those things fast

She would dine on caviar

Exotic things from wide and far

The rich and famous she would see

Shame it's just a fantasy

* * *

Reality settles in

Jemima focuses again

On her foodie prize

Behind the cafe door it lies

* * *

Jemima could go and beg

Purr around a tourist's leg

But good things come to those who wait

And Jemima could do this all day.


	12. Squeakypurr the House Cat

Squeakypurr is black and white

He loafs about all day

Jellicles lie where they like

And always get their way

* * *

To his humans he is Fred

A playful kitty-cat

a secret life he has lead

Catching birds and rats

* * *

Like Mistoffelees he has got

Powers light and dark

He can hide up in the loft

While purring in the car

* * *

If they need to find their pets

He'll vanish in a puff of dust

If you mention the word 'vet'

To him escape is a must

* * *

When of him they have a need

He simply is not there

But if they shake a bag of treats

He appears out of thin air

* * *

Squeakypurr is in the know

Likes the inside track

He always finds a place to go

To have a hidden nap

* * *

Squeaky is in the best place

Got into the zone

Now there is a smile on his face

Found a home to call his own


End file.
